Dream Journal 1
#NavelGazing #Cuckhold #Renaissance #Aquarian #Psychic #Fantasy
We were sitting on a bed having a somewhat menial conversation (though to be fair I was so distracted by watching her mouth and teeth when she talked that I couldn’t really follow… I guess what she was saying could have been existential) in what I think must have been her room.
Her black hair cascaded down her shoulders in waves and when she laid down I could see a glimpse of her belly button piercing, which was glistening in a way that felt like an invitation. Her stomach was pale and I could see her hipbones right above where the waistband of her jeans was sitting. Everything about her drove me insane...
“You’re so beautiful,” I thought, knowing she would be able to hear my message via clairvoyance since I’m privy to her astrological chart placements.
I looked into her eyes (diamonds) longingly and wondered if she knew what I was thinking then too, which was that I wished so bad I could just fuck her but couldn’t because (I’m so sorry, this isn’t a smut article you can get off to after all… just another commentary on loss. Trust me I’m very tired of it too) the entire time I would be consumed by how different it would be if I felt like myself. Of course, women are far more lunar and understanding of vulnerability so she could have still enjoyed what I was able to give her but then my mind raced towards what would happen if I did end up putting her tits in my mouth and sliding my hand down over the piercing to her pussy… which was, the minute my boyfriend hears about this he’s going to want to be here next time and she’s so desirable that having my partner witness someone else in this intimate landscape will absolutely destroy me since it will remind both of us of what I can’t offer. I’ll see my worst fears confirmed as I watch him want her in a clear and primal way since she’s not going through an insane and debilitating health crisis. He deserves to enjoy that instead of being burdened by all of the complications I bring to the table. I’ve already recently started having fantasies about him choosing and preferring other sexual partners over me, which of course could be seen as a harmless cuckholding kink, but since I’m a lunar female myself I am sensitive enough to pick up on the sinister energetics of when erotic material is fueled by low self-esteem. I recognized it straight away since I employed this method on a regular basis from the years 2010 until 2017 although of course it was slightly different because most aspects of myself were still in tact. I just dated someone in my early 20’s who I was subservient to despite him never choosing or appreciating me so I had to develop a sexual loophole that allowed me to reach orgasm from a rejection narrative. It worked like a charm until it ate me alive.
So sadly this horny fantasy has been hijacked by the insecurity and devastation that I feel in my waking life. Can’t I just get a momentary break and make this girl cum in my dream? Does someone have a contact for the Jungians? Maybe they can help. The saddest thing of all, though, is that if I felt normal I would love nothing more than to have this particular threesome. Another alternate reality life experience bites the dust….
Now I’m at the Renaissance Faire. It’s not as dusty as the one in Los Angeles (horrible, inauthentic) but it doesn’t feel like the one in New York either. Perhaps it was happening at an undisclosed dream-matrix-specific location that no one can ever know the name of. Anyways this part is a bit hazy but I am walking towards the jousting arena when I pass someone wearing a lobster costume with… well, I won’t describe his hair because I wouldn’t want to even begin to reveal his identity.… but it allowed me to recognize him as someone I had an otherworldly connection with who I no longer speak to due to an inability to hold the feelings responsibly on my part. Instead the feelings blew my entire brain up and caused me to go insane. But anyway, it was him and he turned around, smiled and started walking with me as though that had been the plan all along. He opened the crook of his elbow for me to weave my arm through and we made our way through the crowd of turkey-leg-eating maidens and drunken pirates in one connected piece. Once we reached the jousting stage, I attempted to pull my arm away so as to not be too presumptuous that he would want me to leave it there since we hadn’t been on speaking terms for so long due to my insane behavior, but my arm felt stuck. I can’t remember if he was holding onto me for dear life or if some sort of existentially tangible cord was formed on our walk that was binding us together for eternity…. I knew the answer in my dream though
My other notes from this dream are:
Very long address number 413457657…
Snacks - thin chocolate bar
Tick tock tick tock
Goat
But I don’t remember enough about what happened with those subjects and therefore writing about them would require embellishment. I want my Dream Journal series to reflect a genuine authenticity of my subconscious so I will only include memories that remain in tact
Hi Ali. I was one of those fashion obsessed teens back in 2008 you mentioned a few posts ago who has followed you since your Teen Vogue cover! I've been enjoying your writing, you are so evocative and poetic, it's inspiring to see you be creative in a new way.